Hi, I’m Alice, and I’m 18, I live in Stockholm, the capital city of Sweden.
I’ve been diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality disorder), Panic disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, clinical depression with extreme risk for suicide and Anorexia Nervosa.
I’m psychotic and suffer from constant severe anxiety, social phobia, schizophrenia, paranoia aso.
My mood swings are extreme, and I constantly feel empty.
I either feel sad, numb or angry.
I self harm and I am suicidal.
I was born on a sunny day in May, 1994, in a suburb of Stockholm. Two years later my little sister arrived. She’s the most precious thing I have and I love her more than anything, and I try to protect her from everything. But I know I can’t protect her from life. And life as us isn’t easy.
We grew up with both our parents, our wonderful dad and with a manipulative, narcisstic mother. Our parents got divorced 2009, my sister and I stayed with our mother, and I kept getting mentally abused. I don’t know if my sister got while she was growing up, since we are different inviduals, and I can’t tell this story from her perspective, but I know her pain and I know she is getting mentally abused now.
By the time I turned 15 I was drinking way too much and I had been self harming for over 2 years. I permanently moved to my dad’s when I was 16, at that point I had tried to commit suicide more than once. But I was finally free of my own personal devil.
My eating disorder have been there for so long, but I think it started developing for real when I was 13, that was the first time I threw up. I was 103 lbs, I grew 5 inches and didn’t gain anything at first. And my eating disorder wasn’t even severe yet.
I didn’t develop bulimia though, I developed Anorexia. Occasionally bingeing and purging, but not very often at all.
Spring 2011 came and I had dropped from 110 to 89 lbs in four months.
I am still in a really bad place, this past year I have been in and out of psych wards. I’ve tried a million different meds.
I’m now on Venlafaxin (225 mg), Lamotrigin (75 mg), Seroquel (50 mg), Atarax (75-100 mg), Theralen (30-40 mg) and Imovane (5 mg).
I tried to commit suicide in May and ended up in a hospital’s intensive-care and was later force admitted to a psych ward.
I am trying to recover from my Anorexia, last time I got weighed was in March and then I was 103 lbs.
I recently found out I’m psychotic, and suffer from schizophrenia.
I was supposed to be admitted to a treatment center, but luckily I’ll get DBT in Stockholm. Treatment center is still plan B, so if my DBT in Stockholm doesn’t work out I’ll move to a treatment center. My DBT will also include ED treatment and self harm treatment.
I won’t tell you I never feel happy or I never laugh, because that’s the biggest lie anyone can tell you. Everyone laughs or smiles occasionally, it’s just that most of the time I don’t. But there are always moments, good moments, laughs, smiles, mostly caused by good people. People like my sister.
I will get better, I finally believe I will, and if you’re in a similar situation I believe you can too.
I believe in you.
If you read it all, thank you.
If anyone of you guys ever need to talk or have any question just send me an ask.
Remeber that I believe in you.